My Second Sunday

Today I’m not lacking for reading material, which is always nice:

I have been reading Mercedes Lackey’s By the Sword, good book btw. I have actually been reading a series of her books this year, though lately alittle out of sequence, that doesn’t seem to make a huge difference, the books are easy enough to follow without having to read the previous ones. Which is very good for me, the ones I haven’t read are in storage in Omaha, NE, opps.

I received a short story from Claire via email this morning, which I enjoyed – good job Claire! Now normally I don’t like stories that cover the Christmas holiday, because of the over commercialism (can you believe that I’m a GCA major i.e. advertising, go figure), but I must say that this particular story was more about being among family and grateful for that.

Then my mother dropped an article of my desk about modern day Tribal Culture(or rather a modern day adaptation of tribal culture), interesting to say the least. Apparently I shouldn’t be so upset about that ten-year plan (see: Relationships), as I’m growing up at the same speed as the rest in my age group, yeah okay. I just think that it’s interesting that she would bring that to me, and say that it is sounds similar to a group that I’m accepted in.

Well that was the end of what I’m reading or read for the moment.

I guess you could say that I’m now hiding in literature to avoid dealing with other things, maybe not the best idea but for now it works. You tell me the best way to say to someone: “I really like you, but we can’t ever be more then friends cause I would kill you.” Granted yeah I dated him, but that was 7-8 years ago, people change a lot in that amount of time. Besides that he is in the nesting stage and I know that I’m not the one he should nest with. I figured that he would get the hint that I’m not interested in him that way, but I guess that I haven’t been blunt enough. Yeah I’m a wuss... I will just have to be blunt and probably alittle brutal, I really hate to do that though, he’s a really great guy but we don’t have the same ideas about the future and what relationships are supposed to be about.

Well I’m off to drink my coffee catch up on friends journals (Oooooooo more reading!) Yep, I’m a nerd.

And flying to the rescue is…. Lady K?!

Today was just one of those days when you feel like just staying in bed, not that it was a bad day, just that it was so gloomy looking outside. A few people that I talked to today weren’t necessarily depressed but at a loss for… I guess energy, or maybe cheerfulness would be a better term. Granted I have not been the most cheery person around lately, I’m starting to think that I’m bring everyone down with me. If that’s what’s happening, sorry guys, I will try hard for that good mood that’s so elusive for me.

My mom mentioned me taking a trip down to visit with Pen (sister) and her family this weekend and I think that maybe it is a good idea to go. Maybe being around them will pull me out of the funk, well it’s worth a shot. And really I could use to get out of the house for more then just a trip to town and back, though I think I would rather be visiting friends and my houseplants in Omaha. No offense intended Pen, just feeling… I guess alittle “home sick.” So Pen here’s your heads up, am coming to visit, unless of course you are all sick or have other plans. ;-)

Funny about that homesickness for Omaha, a town that I spent the first year and a half avoiding interacting with anyone there, because I KNEW that I was coming back here. No sense in becoming attached to something that isn’t part of your world right? HA well that didn’t work out too well did it. I miss: The traffic during rush hour, you know those times when you come to almost a complete stop on the road. The shopping, oh god I miss the shopping, even if I hate doing it at least there I didn’t have to drive 45 minutes for decent shopping or being able to go shopping at 3am if I wanted to. My crappy little job at the smoke shop, the people were wonderful kind of like a small town feeling in a big town (suburb actually, sorry Bellevue residents, no matter how you look at it you are a suburb of Omaha – deal with it). The restaurants, the galleries, and yeah even the old market I miss all of these things, but mostly I miss the people that I know and love down there.

And maybe Omaha is special for me because that was the place that I got to meet my brother and his family. I guess that I should explain that alittle more… Yes, I have always known my brother but there are 9 years between us in age, so when he left the house and got married I was still young. He’s in the Navy so I didn’t get to see or talk to him much when I was growing up, so the gap got alittle bigger until we really didn’t know each other very well at all. Then he got stationed at StratCom and Lady K (sister-in-law) suggested that I move there and go to school, because really I had nothing going for me at that point in my life. That is by far one of the best decisions that I have ever made and one of the scariest too. While I was there I did get to know them, maybe not as well as I would like but at least we can communicate better then we have been able to in a very long time. I’m so happy that I had that time with him and his family thanks Lady K that was a good plan. The bad part of that plan was Ryan + Kenzy (during Kenzy’s midterms) + Dino Crisis = bad gamers. hehe

And now I apologize to Lady K’s education (LOL) nope didn’t proof this entry, it was a good purge of thoughts. And don't think that I can't see you wincing at my comma usage from here!!! LOL Though it might be choppy, it’s all mine. BTW how do you like the title? I thought it was appropriate and alittle cute so now that you are a comic book character what are your special powers?

Well if nothing else this entry certainly cheered me up. I hope all is well with everyone else, have a nice day, and smile damnit, it’s good for you!

Things that land on my desk...

Well as it seems the mother has seen fit to drop another thing on my messy desk, so now I will share it with you. I’m not sure when this was written but definitely pre-dates the nineties.

Listen!
When I ask you to listen to me
And you start giving advice
You have not done what I asked.

When I asked you to listen to me
And you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,
You are trampling my feelings.

When I asked you to listen to me
And you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
You have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen
Not talk or do – just hear me.
Advice is cheap: 10 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do it for myself; I’m not helpless
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do
For myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But, when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, No matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you
And can get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.

Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes, for some people
Because God is mute and he doesn’t give advice or try to fix things.
“They” just listen and let you work it out yourself.

So, please listen and just hear me.
And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn;
And I’ll listen to you.

~ Anonymous ~


I thought that it was interesting and sort of fits with the current mood at the moment. Anyway hope you all enjoyed!! Now I’m hauling my happy ass to bed, G’night.

Random Clarity?

Apparently this seems to be a good time to take a break from journal’s....

Ha! you all got your hopes up for nothing, I’m not going anywhere. I just noticed today that several people have been halting the writing in their journals, for creative or personal reasons, which is cool. I suppose this is where I say something profound about why I continue to keep this journal alive - sorry folks got nothing there. ::shrugs:: This is my therapy.

I write just to write anything and most of the time I don’t hit anything deep, I just ramble, and rant, sometimes put my foot in my mouth. But it gives me an opportunity to look back on things that I did write and see where I’m at compared to where I was. Yeah I could do that in a note book or whatever but I loose things all the time and really this gives my doc an opportunity to see that I really have lost my mind due to the meds (migraine) from the last few years ;-). Of course there are things that don’t make it here that I should say but don’t for fear that I will be judged; or I’m just to scared to write/vocalize because then I have to deal with it.

I guess that I’m like alot of other people out there I’m hurt and scared most of the time because I don’t have control over anything. I can’t seem to remember how to react to anyone anymore, I can’t seem to keep my shit together, and I have no idea why. And so I hide behind who people think I am, but not many people really get to see me in entirety. Does that make any sense to anyone besides me?

Hmm well, that sounds entirely depressing, it’s not not meant to be I was just thinking in text format. :-) My thoughts go out to several people tonight, in hopes that at least one of us will find balance and peace soon.

Hurry and Wait

So I sit here and try to figure out when in the hell we’re actually going to move. The move is inevitable now it’s just hurry up and wait. This is the most obnoxious time; you get all that you can get done then have to wait for other people to bring up their end.

Enough about that, really not much happening in this household, though we have been watching lots of movies lately. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. So, if you have any recommendations let me know. I can just see my sister-in-law thinking up a whole mess for me to chase down. LOL

Oh yeah, I did finish that book the other day and started another one in the same series. I meant to tell everyone the first book in the series is The Black Gryphon by Mercedes Lackey & Larry Dixon. Not all the books in this series were written with Dixon though, and they weren’t all written in order, actually I think that she still adding new ones occasionally. Like I said before you can read them out of order and not end up being confused.

I will be making a run to Huron this week some time to pick up a book from Jane Green on Mad’s recommendation. Not sure what to expect here, I know the name just can’t place the type of book…

And so, I’m off to watch some movies that we rented earlier. I hope everyone’s day went well.

Consequences

I had a moment of sheer *mischievousness the other night (I don’t think that’s a real word ::shrugs:: it works), probably just a release from having talked about too seriousa subject for several hours(see below). A friend of mine got after me about not sending a “proper” email. I did however tell him to be very careful about what he asked for... He did get that email, though I’m not sure if you could call it “proper” but at very least it wasn’t a mass mailing that I have done a lot lately – SORRY guys, I promise I won’t do that anymore.

Anyway, so I sit for a few minutes and write whatever hit my mind first, which was rather morbid. I had been having a discussion with someone about suicidal thoughts (not mine, theirs) and the selfishness of that particular act. Well, that argument was not working for me so I went a step or two further, and started in with: “Well if you do it, then who will find your body?”, “How long will it take them to find you?”, “won’t you feel bad at all that you are traumatizing anyone who does find you?” Yeah as you can guess people are great at rationalizing such a stupid act so time to break out really morbid thoughts; I then starting telling her about corpse conditions after such a horrible act.

*Note to readers – Women generally take a less “violent” way out suck as pills, carbon monoxide, etc. well men tend to go for a more messy solution gun, hanging, etc.

In any case she was still talking so hadn’t really committed to this path, the ones that scare me are the ones that stop talking and start put their things in order; settling debts, giving stuff away, etc. I just hope that some of what I said sunk in far enough for her to think about something other then her self. She has kids for god’s sake, how could you leave your children without a mother? Grrr

Now I think here I should point out that I read a lot, which gives me rather bizarre knowledge sometimes, on varying subjects. Yeah, I get depressed like everyone else, but I’m not ready to do myself in by any means. Besides the fact that as far as I can tell there’s no way to kill yourself without others being affected, so there you have it.

And on a brighter note, he did reply to that email and bowed gracefully, so now I can send whatever I choose so long as it’s not anything like that last one. So I will leave you with this thought that has more then once come back to bite me in the ass: Be very careful what you ask for, you just might get it.

Damn... Good to see you survived!

An entire year has passed since I started taking up space on the net to rant and rave about anything that struck me. So, naturally I thought that I should do this entry somewhat reminiscent of the original page to which it resided on. Yeah I know that the sound can be loud, sorry; and yeah it’s going to repeat. hehehehe

I figure in this entry I shall make a few resolutions for some of the things that appeared on this journal since the beginning.

1. I will not help anyone sneak around to find out but their boyfriend/girlfriend.

2. I will not teach anyone how to do a proper or not so proper, background check on their boyfriend/girlfriend.

3. I will not trust anyone that swallows more meds then food in one day. Legal or not I don’t care!

4. I will not let other people rule my life.

5. I will try to control my eccentric moments to short bursts.

6. I will get these damn migraines under control.

7. I will try very hard to like JAVA and all the hell it brings with it.

8. I will try to have that sunny disposition, that Tarek thinks I should. *I’m smiling I swear!

9. I will try not to be such a pushover with men, as Tapper always has to deal with me in the aftermath. *You have been so patient - Thanks

10. I will get through this funk that I’m in, though I hoping that won’t take an entire year.

11. I will never use this sound file again - I promise!

12. And last, I will continue to write this journal because it is therapeutic for me.

Well, that’s it for today, hope you all enjoyed this entry. And not to worry, I won’t be adding alot of html extras after this, but they are fun. Have a great day!

Kenzy aka Princess

Prying Foot from My Mouth

Okay so I had a “moment” on Monday. Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that men's thinking process was lacking in proficiency. Of course there are always going to be unique individuals in both genders. It just varies from women’s style of thinking for the most part; I myself do tend to over analyze situations. I’m rather non-confrontational, so instead of coming out and saying something that may hurt another person that I care about, I will analyze something to death. Kind of like beating a dead horse, I know. And then there are those times when I don’t think at all before I speak (Monday), but everyone has those so I won’t go into that.

Well other then that I don’t really have anything to say tonight... Oh yeah, my windshield is being replaced in the morning – I lead such an exciting life these days. LMAO Actually that’s good, less hectic and/or dangerous. Anyway I’m off to curl up with my book, until I fall asleep

Ahhh, the joys of moving...

So, the truck took some damage last night from a kamikaze deer. Everything but the deer survived the encounter, though the truck had certainly seen better days. Over all not really much damage, the grill , a couple new brackets, and bumper are to be replaced at some point soon. I’m just glad at this time I wasn’t driving ::taking bow:: the last two accidents weren’t mine. YAY!

The male parental unit (LMAO), brought pics of the construction site back with him.
(Images: My Peak, Site 1, Site 2) I have included some of these, it is so beautiful up there. I was expecting it to look worse after I was told that there is now an 18 foot cliff to the back of where the house will be sitting. I had made jokes about building a rock climbing wall there, but with this rock that’s not really possible, it’s to soft. Hrump! Oh well, we’ll figure something out, I don’t really want to look out into the backyard and see an ugly wall. On a brighter note the peak is still perfectly untouched, my plan is to build a small gazebo up there, it should be an interesting project for me.

I’m feeling alittle less confused today, although I’m not sure why. I think my mom is trying to tell me something about my current confusion, she left this quote on my desk this morning for me:

Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but rather we have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.
~Aristotle~


Now I off to go run back to Huron, oh yay, to do shopping and drop off and pick up movies. It’s most definitely a Van Morrison day for me. I hope the day is going well for everyone.

I looked left, and right, and still got hit by the damn bus!

I really need to get more then 3 ½ hours of sleep at night. Last night I was caught up in a conversation and didn't drag my ass to bed until around 4ish then for whatever reason I wake up, quickly I might add, at 7:30am. ::shaking head:: this is sick. Well, at least the weather looks like my mood, confused!

So yeah, hmm, what's going on in that head of mine? Lots a traffic!! So I have been writing email back and forth with my most recent ex (bf) lately, and I just don't know what to think anymore. He tells me that he's sorry and all that, and I still think that most of the reason that he is trying to talk to me is because he's feeling guilty over what happened. But then he says stuff that you just shouldn't tell your ex's, especially not so soon. Example - "I hear something or see something that makes me think of you, go to tell you, and then I remember you're not here anymore and then I remember why..."

And I know that most if not all of my family and friends don't like him for what he did, and that only makes my thoughts harder I guess. I just don't know what I feel anymore. Maybe I was right when I said that I wasn't sure if I ever loved him or just the thought of him, I don't think so though. But I do know that all these thoughts and feelings are tearing me apart, and I can't tell what's real and what's not.

I know in my heart that all things happen for a reason, but for the life of me I have yet to figure this one out. And if him and I were meant to be together, shit wouldn't have gone down the way that it did, but it still hurts and will for a long time I'm sure. Today I would love to curl up in a ball and throw the covers back over my head, and I think I'm going to do just that.

Good Morning My Luv

YAY!! So far this morning I have completely avoided working on that HTML or JAVA that I was going to. Instead I think I will hang out online respond to email that has taken over my inbox on all 6 accounts. Yeah I know that’s a lot, what can I say I love email I just don’t always get to it in a timely manner. Anyway, then I will be making a trip to the big city of Huron today (Didn’t know they had a web page until now). ROTFLMAO

It dawned on me the other day that I have kept this journal, for almost a year now. YAY for me! Though the original web page that it was attached to is gone, I will get that back up and running just not sure when. I meant to have that done last month but things happen and my motivation for that job flew out the window. I think the redesign I want is what’s slowing me down at this point – I really hate JAVA, and getting the code to validate is being rather pesky. Now if only I was lazy enough to let programs write the code for me, but OH NO! just gotta be a perfectionist. ;-)

On a completely unrelated subject – Does anyone know why hair texture changes as you get older? I ask because for the life of me I just don’t get this. My hair used to be board straight now it’s getting some funky natural curl thing happening. Go figure! When you want curls you don’t have them, and when you don’t want them they show up. I suppose this is what I get for pouring all the chemicals on my hair over the past years(10... 12... I forget).

Well I’m off to enjoy the day, hope everyone is having a good one. And if not, grab a cup of coffee (or preferred poison) and soak in the changing of seasons for a few minutes. If I had a digital camera right now, I would take a picture of the tree outside my window, it’s beautiful. Mother Nature certainly has great design skills, doesn’t she? ::sighs:: I love fall.

What the hell happened to my head?

Okay so I couldn’t resist the urge to post so that I didn’t have to look at yesterdays insanity for the next few days. Man when my mind wanders.... there’s just no stopping it.

The last few days I have become a sounding board/advise giver of sorts for alot of people that I don’t really know, about their relationships. Hmmm... ::raises eyebrows & shakes head:: What are you people thinking? I don’t really get that, but okay fine. Someone did recently point out to me that since I have been through all the dating don’ts I would be an authority. It seems to makes sense sort of, even if it’s very messed up.

Here’s the part where I get up on the soap box..

Open marriages - Come on people get your @#%*! together, this is not a good plan. That is unless you are planning a speedy divorce! There are lots of points I would love to add to this one but I will leave it at that.

Cheating - Well yeah this happens, and yeah marriages and relationships can survive it, but if it will continue to happen, why stay? There’s no use in staying if you are going to be hurt and distrustful all the time, unless of course you like the drama and/or are a brooding artist... THERE'S NO POINT!! Get it?

Drama Queens - If you fit in this category please stay away from me, I have no sympathy for a perpetual self inflicted hell. Seek professional help, I hear they make great drugs for personality disorders these days.

There are many more bitches, complaints, and concerns that I have heard recently but I’m not going into anymore detail on those because I really think that the best questions to ask if you are having problems are these:

*Can you live with it?
*If you have children how does this effect them?
*Is the other person willing to be part of the solution?
*Is the problem fixable?
*How did the problem start?
etc.

You get the idea, that list could go on forever but those are the basics. And remember communication and trust are so very important to all relationships.

Stepping down off the box.....

Wow that was therapeutic for me, now if I could only stick to my own advise. Hrump! Moving along...

With my mention of Tarek and Tapper the other morning, my mind wondered through the past three years of my life. How did you all live with me? I am so sorry for all the crap I put everyone through. I guess that I’m now just coming to terms with what a little bitch I was, and you all still excepted me for what, I hope, you saw past that idiotic behavior. You must have thought I was smoking crack. LMAO Sorry, had to throw a joke in there was starting to get alittle teary. Thanks you guys (and ladies of course, omg that was almost P.C.) for putting up with me, and not having me committed for the crazy ass chic I was. You’re the best, that I ever could have hoped for.

I do have to send out a warm fuzzies this morning to a few people: HI!
::waves at Batt and Crabman over cup of coffee::

Thanks so much for keeping me awake so I can be productive, you wonderful freaks!! I’m so glad I’m not the only intelligent person up at night on AOhelL. You know I love ya!

*side note to Batt - NO I’m still not willing to breed with you, and NO not even practice. Sorry dear not my type, but you’re still a sweetheart. And I’m refusing to discuss Stephy’s bust with you anymore, that was just too much. ROFLMAO

*side note to Crabman - I love those games and other odd files you send, feel free to send them to me whenever you want, just warm me before hand if it happens to moan, say “oh baby”, “oh yeah” or anything close to that effect. That calculator scared the piss outta me.


See what I mean when I say there is no stopping my mind from wandering.... And on that note I’m going back to bed, that 3 hour nap did nothing for me.

Okay... So... YEAH I love it!!

I should really think about what I post. before I post... My sister-in-law caught up with me yesterday morning to ask about this man that I didn’t really mention, but OKAY. No, still not going into detail on here, DEAL WITH IT.

*Side note: WELCOME HOME RYAN!!! ::waves:: NO scarey ass cat dancin' for you, it hurts to see it even from this state!! *I'm sure that he won't see that until he's out of his coma (catching up on lost sleep) though.

Though I must say that I’m taking alot shit about meeting men these days. So, yes I met this one on the net and not in a bar, I think that’s a step up... Isn’t it? And yeah, I think it’s still fair to say that if you put me in a room full of self-motivated, well off men, and one looser... Well you can guess which one I will pick. Now if only I can resist my natural urge to find an asshole to saddle myself to. Moving along.

And on that note found this, and thought that it was appropriate, Excessive Texting May Be Sign of Addiction? Hi, my name’s Kenzy and I’m an IM junky. LMAO actually that’s not really funny cause, I am. Oh well, it’s better then being completely antisocial. If anyone wants my sn’s for AIM, ICQ, MSN, or Yahoo let me know, though I will tell you that I use AOhelL/aim the most.


Oh I was spending yesterday morning with my crazy’s in AOhelL Omaha Chat (you know I love you all, otherwise I wouldn’t be there so much ::blowing kisses::). Anyway the entire room got into a discussion over statutory rape laws, now I have basic knowledge of these laws; but it was alittle frightening how in-depth that some people in there knew them (you know who you are). And I’m not even going to ask how you know that much, cause I don’t want to know.

I’m off to drink my coffee, smoke my cigarettes, and read the news about this lovely little planet of ours.

Wakie Wakie littles ones the day has started,
Mac The Knife (sorry just had to add that, there's a quiz for you - do you know where that is from? lol)

Oh yeah I'm added some sketches that I have done, or recently scanned (see links below). These are all ink, my favorite way to work. Let me know what you think.

Links:
Burning
Growth
Pen's Eagle
Strings
unnamed

Too much coffee? I think not!

Ha! and you people didn’t think that I could be up this early in the morning... Okay, so I stayed up all night sue me, at least I’m going to be up during daylight hours. In my defense I got caught up into a conversation with Crabman about relationships and weather to not it’s a good idea for me to try to start dating again. I think that we can to the conclusion (okay so it was my conclusion not his) that in order to get over that lovely skittishness that I feel about it, I need to date nice guys. Oh who am I kidding, so yeah, I met someone. Psst tell you more later.

Rant # 1, don’t worry it won’t be long, and will be very general. Why is it that when you have one little bit of happiness in your life there is always some crazy ass person trying to take it away? I mean really, things are hard enough without having people constantly working against you. Okay done next…

So talked to Tarek this morning before he had to go for work. I’m am sooooo happy that he finally found the right woman. ::waves to Jana:: You are a goddess!! And I know that you will take care of him, wish you two the best. I wish that I would’ve had a chance to meet you before I left Omaha, well not to worry I will visit we’ll have to get together then.

Rant # 2, silly one but at least it’s short. Why is it that every time that I move shaving in the shower is hazardous? Seriously, I have moved (you think that 4 moves in one year is bad?) so much this year, I could end up with scars by the New Year the way this is going – not good.

It’s a great morning out there, it does help that I’m not suffering from sinus’s (hangover) today like yesterday. I simply refused to admit that it was a hangover yesterday, in part because, my mother suggested so with one of those grins that only mom’s can do, and a sparkle in her eye that said: HA HA HA you’re gonna pay now! The sad part is that I didn’t drink that much (3 beers), no I’m not running with the big dogs these days. This takes me to another thought – Thanks Tapper ::sticking tongue out:: for getting me used to rum and coke; I used to be a beer drinker!! What do you have to say for yourself? LMAO

And on that note I’m off to take over the world!!…. opps I mean… ahhhhh….. to visit with my favorite crazy’s while they are online.

::Yelling:: Have a great day all,
The Hyper Coffee Goddess

Hmmm maybe I should cut back on my coffee consumption this morning… nah, that’s no fun.

One Fine Mess

Well, it has certainly been a busy few days since returning home, not so much in work as in thinking about the past. Not to worry I’m not “what if’ing” it to death, just trying to sort it out I suppose. Looking back on bad situations is always exhausting. I shouldn’t hold so much back but then if I didn’t I would be a bigger mess then I am now, and that’s just no good. And most of you have no idea what all this crap is about, and honestly I’m just not up to explaining everything to anyone, so I will leave it at that. I’m just sad and I don’t know exactly why….

On a brighter note, I spent some time with my sister and her family recently, which was a nice change of pace for me. Not that we, or rather I did much, mostly slept, and checked out the newest member of our clan, Mark. Oh he is the cutest, but man that kid needs a hair cut already, he’s only four months old!! And as always is spoiled to the core, not to worry little one, you get out of hand and, oh yes, I will bring you back to reality. LOL

I’m off for the moment, still bummed out but that too will pass I’m sure.